My wife and I took over this position nearly a month ago. I knew it would be a challenge from the get go but Satan is just in overdrive. 

In the last Week alone, one of my youth is found to be being "overly disciplined" and has made a suicide threat. My wife broke her ankle not in once place but THREE places at the annual Easter Egg hunt trying to help one of the younger kids get some eggs, and then one Wed night during youth, we have this one Jr high child who is very disruptive. Has been from the get go and has to be constantly called down to behave. Well this evening, he decides to taunt one of my Sr High Girls and another boy relentlessly about being together. I honestly thought the girl who is super thin, was going to kill him herself but my wife jumped in and told the boy if he did it again he'd be removed. As soon as I broke for the evening and let the kids go in the room and play, my wife was counseling another youth, I was putting up the computer but could see in the youth room and my other volunteer was outside wathing the kids skate board. The younger boy starts to pinch and taunt the Sr high boy and spit on him. The sr high boy began to wipe the spit across the younger kids chest  and basically shoved him a bit. We lectured both boys and told them never to lay a hand on any person again and for the younger one to stop teasing people.  That was the end of it..both went off to play and that was the end of the night..or so we thought.

The next day our phone began ringing off the hook. The Jr high told his parents that the Sr high boy repeatedly slammed his head against the air hockey table and picked him up by his neck and choked him. TOTAL news to us and everyone else for that matter! The mom takes him to the Dr. The Dr says he has to file an abuse report because it wwas an attack and sent him to the ER. Oh yes..the boy said he couldn't go to school the next day because he was too hurt on his throat to talk or eat. So he's sent to the ER, the social worker says to file a police report and charge the SR High boy. From there it go totally out of hand. One parent is airing out hte dirty laundry of hte Sr High boy, accusing him of being on Drugs and all sorts of horrible stuff. The Jr higher's parents are threating to have the Sr high boy arrested, sueing his parents and all sorts of crazy things.

Then it gets worse! We have 5 witness who said nothing the Jr high boy says is true. They all witnessed everything and by the Jr high boys on words, it happend all at the same time not another time..and it didn't happen. The boys parents are however sue happy and because I brought it to their attention after having called several times to find out how their son was, that we have witness that unfortunatly are saying a total different story than there son..are now threatening to sue me and the church saying we did not have enough supervision??! we had 22 students and 3 volunteers and at one point had 5 that night so we were covered but it's just soo out of hand. The Jr high boy is KNOWN for lying...lied to several times to the previous youth leader and on several occassions said he was hurt when he wasn't. What's funny is..that same night the "attack" happened, he went over to this other kids house to play, was out side skate boarding after it supposedly happened and the day he couldn't go to school was out rollerblading and skateboarding with another neighborhood kid??

I know have to seperate both ministries..up to this point Sr and Jr high met together ..along with the tweens. (when we took over...the Senior Pastor was telling whoever wanted too to just come) We were not planning to do the split until the Summer. Please just pray...I feel like I"m failing these kids!! So much has happened in the first 3 weeks alone...its just nuts. We don't have enough volunteers or help..I have soo many idea's we want to do but in order to do it..we need bodies and trained volunteers and we just don't have it...

My question also is...the Jr high boys parents say he's never coming back..and most feel they are just blowing smoke and causing a bunch of trouble..but the father is trying to make the church pay for the emergnecy room visit. It's clear he's lying...my head is telling me...why should the church pay for this child's lie..and he continues to go on with the lie even after he know's there are over 5 seperate witness saying all the same thing when questioned about the nights events. What if later on this all blow's over and he wants to come back..in my heart..I don't want him to come back. I know some pastor's put a ban on certain kids and say they can't. Do you feel I'd be in the wrong to do this??? This is making me look horrible but on top of it all..I don't want this family causing trouble again in the future. But how do I lovingly say to this family..Look we don't believe your son, we have several witnesses saying..he was fine afterwards and out skateboarding the next day and saw nothing he said that happened...we don't want him or you back??!

sorry for rambeling

I can do ALL things thru Christ who gives me Strength!

Time the meeting started - how many students - how many supervisors - agenda for the night - this boy's behaviour from the moment he stepped foot into the church - every incident with the boy - witnesses statements (have the witnesses write their own report in their own words - your report based on what you remember them saying will be heresay) - time the meeting ended - how the boy left (did parents pick him up or did you walk home, etc) - observation of the boy following the meeting - time of phone calls you received from the parents - your discussions with the parents - You can ask all the kids there that night to write what they remember of the evening keeping in mind that they may not be as objectable as an adult - however, it would be interesting to see how many different stories come forward and that none would include the head bashing - Ask them to also write how they felt about the evening (this would be a good start to a discussion on expected behaviour at group events)

Once the above is written down, add one last page that states how you feel about the situation - State that at all times the kids were in view of atleast one supervisor and that in no way did the Sr boy harm the Jr boy to the extent of the complaint.

If the family does follow through with suing, the judge should have access to the ER report which should show no bruising or evidence to support the complaint (unless the Jr boy hurt himself on purpose in order to get attention from his parents).  ER doctors are mandated reporters, they must require abuse reporting based on what they are told (Jr told dr that Sr beat him).  I would say because they told the Jr family to report it and may not have done so themselves that no physical evidence was found.  You will have this report to share with the judge.  The sooner the documentations are done (date everything as to the day you wrote it) the more weight it will carry.

Give a copy of the report to the church and keep one for yourself.

As to allowing the Jr boy back in the future, your feelings right now are to avoid this possibility again.  You are protecting all the students by refusing his return.  However, things do change over time and you should be open for anything.  If he should ask to come back, I would require some private meetings with you, him, and the pastor to review this situation and get a feeling as to how Jr views the whole incident - is he really regretful of his actions?  Does he really realize the extent that the trouble caused every single person involved (including the fellow students and supervisors, church, ER staff, ect)?   After the meeting, you may still refuse his return however this will have given you a chance to confront him regarding his actions.  If you do allow his return, have some rules and expectations written down that you tell him he must follow - that he will be on a meeting by meeting probation until he can be trusted again.  Meet privately with him after every meeting to discuss how the meeting went.

If he refuses the meeting with you and pastor, he does not get to attend another youth meeting.

You do have a challenge on your hands and I will be praying that you find the right path to take.  As with everything on these boards, you do not have the time to give out all the details so I can only reply to the little bit given so take my advise only if it makes sense to the situation - you would know if there is anything that would discount this.

Adrianne

Thank you

I can do ALL things thru Christ who gives me Strength!

www.stcharlesassembly.org

Matt

Forum Moderator

Thanks everyone for your help and support.

I can do ALL things thru Christ who gives me Strength!

You and your church will be fine -  You have witnesses to bring forward that the Jr boy did not sustain injuries requiring a doctor's visit let alone ER visit. 

Do you know the family of the kid that Jr was with after the meeting?  Would they be willing to testify that Jr was fine at their home and they did not notice any bruises or indications that Jr was needing medical attention?  Jr should not have been able to play if his injuries required a doctor's attention ASAP.

You don't need to talk to them, just keep it as a possible resource if you need to.

I think you will feel better after you meet with your Sr Pastor.  He will be a great support to you.   I wonder if part of your doubt is wondering how to present it to him and what his reaction may be.  Give him as many details as possible - you will be fine.

Adrianne