God Bless,

Josh T. in Ohio

Rewards are a recognition of a job well done.  This needs to reflect what was done/learned and not the "prize" itself.   I love the idea of a certificate to give to the parents.  Children love to hear people compliment them to their parents.  Acknowledging exactly what was done well "for memorizing" instead of "good job" is best.   Making the reward match the action (a bible for memorizing, a bookmark listing the 10 commandments, certificate to parents recognizing good behavior) reinforces the action.   A game time with mom and dad for completing weekly chores.

I am also learning that kids just love to have fun with no strings attached.  When there is a game, it is not always necessary to give a prize to the winner.   I have 4th - 6th graders for Sunday School.  This week we had a team competition game to review the last six lessons.   I did not take "treats" and was a little surprised that not one kid asked what they get as winning.  I had been a little hesitant to not have a reward for the winning team but I always feel for the kid who doesn't get anything and figure that games should be fun without a reward.

In this "what's in it for me?" world, it is difficult to get our children to do things because they are important to do and not because they will benefit with a material item.  "What do I get if I do this?"  What an awful question!  

Then there is the topic of goals.  Goals are important and reaching them does qualify for a reward.  Try making the reward match the goal. 

So, Bribes, Rewards, and Goals - how best to use in each situation?

Bribes for short term occassional icky things like medical procedures and icky medications.

Rewards for projects (an entire week of full filling reponsibilities, memory work, good behaviour, ect.), occassionally behaviors, and meeting goals.

Goals - use rewards to encourage, not bribes to force through.

Adrianne

I don't think parents were expecting our children to turn out this way. (I'm a parent of two twenty-somethings.) I know we meant well. Our children responded favorably to our constant and lavish rewards, but obviously we didn't do our children any favors.

What were we thinking?  Every Early Childhood major knows intrinsic rewards always trump extrinsic rewards. Making a contribution and feeling a sense of acccomplishment for a job well done results in lasting internal rewards that motivate repeated positive action.  Behavioral management systems that depend on token economies, result in Extrinsic rewards that only last as long as the rewards keep coming. Oops!

Down deep, we know this, but we are still tempted to go overboard with token rewards simply because they get immediate and easy to measure results.

Let's admit it! Picking fruit is much more fun that preparing the soil and planting the seeds.  But when I honestly and  prayerfully consider what God wants,  I know he wants me to patiently plant seeds and look for the lasting spiritual growth that brings eternal rewards. It's worth the wait.

Lisa B from NC

Lisa B from NC

Well Lisa, you've said it. It's the going "overboard" that can be detrimental. Rewards are part of our lives and part of every "functional" family. When our children obey, bring home good grades, are courteous and grateful the desire to bless them (reward) comes naturally. It may be with money, extra video time, favorite restaurant, etc. The key here is not to do it all the time and definitely not lavishly. However, a reward we should not hold back and give of as much as possible is encouragment and praise!

His mother later explained that his teachers uses a 3 stick behavior system and she takes a stick away for each classroom infraction. when they are supposed to be doing something else.  If you do well, you get a sticker at the end of the day. If not, you get a written note in the margin from the teacher listing the infractions that caused the child to lose the sticks.  (Wouldn't it be cool if every so often she wrote words of encouragement in the margins on the days that didn't go too well? Like at least pointing out one thing the children did right that day.)

My exuberant and happy 5 year olds nephew has become very stressed because of this system. He's started chewing the neckline of his shirts.  On the days, he doesn't get his sticker, the teacher expects the parent to also punish the child, so pickup time because his moment of dread instead of a joyful parent child reunion.  I'm sure that he has a loving teacher who would NOT want her system to have this effect on the child's home life.

Please pray that my nephew will grow in his ability to work within his new classroom environment. Also, pray that his teacher will be inspired to add more encouragement and praise for positive behavior to her classroom.

Lisa B from NC

Rewarding every effort is precisely what has created a generation of 20 somethings who expect that everywhere.  Excellence should be rewarded and praised.  Effort should be encouraged, but it's not the same as acheiving.  And frankly, it degrades the kids who do work hard and artificially inflates those who don't. 

Talk to any college prof these days and they will tell you that young adults don't have a self-esteem problem, they have a reality check problem.  They've been so coddled and rewarded that they can't deal with any failure.

And Lisa, I know what you mean about your nephew.  When I was a kid (and you too, probably) most days were neither good days nor bad days at school.  We didn't get stickers or reprimands.  Rewards were saved for something worth rewarding and behavioral problems were only dealt with when more severe, not for every little infraction. 


Pictures taken on vacation at Lake Junaluska, NC.

AND I have an update on my nephew's teacher's token reward/punishment system.  You will NOT believe this one!

My nephew's teacher posted a bulletin board with Santa's "Naughty or Nice" list. She was overheard telling a child that he was no longer on Santa's list.  The parent that witnessed that reported it to the principal, but the board did not come down. 

I immediately began worrying, what if an underprivileged child who WAS on the "Nice" list didn't get any presents from Santa and took it to heart? How tragic?

Then it dawned on me. Just think... what if a child who's name ended up on the "Naughty list" ended up getting presents from Santa anyway?  The poor teacher's credibility is shot!

Moral to that story - Be wise and KNOW ahead of time what your reward/punishment systems are REALLY teaching children!

Lisa B from NC