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Forum Newbie
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Last Login: 11/6/2008 3:15:19 PM
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| Hi there. I've been a youth and children's pastor at my church for going on 5 years. Over the past year, we had a major upheaval where our pastor was summarily excused, and a new pastor has come in. Everything the old pastor lacked, the new pastor has in spades, but the new pastor lacks many of the things that the church took for granted previously. At any rate, this new pastor, for one reason or another, has had it out for me and my ministry since he arrived, despite my excitement at his arrival and my bending-over-backward attempts to help him and follow his very new regime. He fired the only employee under me without my knowledge or consent, leaving me to now do ALL the children and youth ministry on my own (no raise, no help, nothing). His style with me can be summarized as "abuse" - he blatantly treats me differently, has yelled at me on multiple occassions, and has threatened my job several times. I have tried to speak with him, but he refuses to listen, and only goes behind my back to speak to every other church person he can. I've been told he treats me different because I'm a woman, because I'm young (29), because I'm single, because I don't make him look good, and because my ministry is successful and he feels in competition with me. Many people have told me it appears I have a target on my back. It is very sad for a pastor to behave this way, but nothing is being done. I can't see myself listening to any more of his sermons on love and compassion when he turns around and treats me like trash the rest of the week. It's simply intolerable. I am incredibly attached to the children and youth ministries here, having been here so long. The ministries, especially the youth ministry, was practically started from scratch and our kids have grown up to be amazing young people. I have incredibly deep bonds with many of the youth, and desperately don't want to leave. I've remade the youth center area by finding $40k to fund the project. I've repainted and remade the children's area, also. I feel like I've accomplished so much and I don't want to leave, but I can't see any other option when the leadership of the church is not only taking the pastor's inappropriate behavior, but even giving him a raise, telling me that I "need to just give him what he wants and he'll eventually leave you alone." I have cried so many tears and feel so broken and beat down that I don't know how to stay here. I guess i just need some support that I am doing the right thing, that God will provide, that the kids will be fine without me, and that there's nothing that I can do to change anything. I know if I leave, I need to take a break from ministry for a little while to heal... these ministries have been my life for 5 years and ending my time with them will almost destroy me. There are many people who will support my decision and will try to be there for me, but I really need some help from people who can really understand what it feels like to be a youth pastor/children's pastor who is being forced out of her "home" unfairly, after so much sacrifice. No one seems to understand that ending relationships with these kids is kinda like losing them all to a train wreck all at one time. I'm so heartbroken.
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Ayrnne,
Let me start by saying I have walk a very similar path to what you are walking right now about 1.5 years ago. The leadership wanted to head in a different direction and it meant it was time for me to go after 9 years!
By the help of the Lord I could have hung my hat on a number of accomplishments and investments made in that amount of time. When I left I felt jaded, hurt, taken advantage of, unappreciated and more. It took me a long time (about a year) to begin to heal. The first step was getting passed what "I had done" and remember it was the Lord's doing and sometimes seasons of ministries come to a close and that's okay.
Here is my advice about leaving...leave with honor and dignity. No one will remember how good you left but they will remember if you leave in a bad way or attempting to vindicate yourself. Keep me updated and send me a private message if you would like to discuss things more in-depth.
Matt,
Forum Moderator
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| Wow what a tough place to be in! I agree with what Matt said. We had to leave our position in childrens ministry 3 years back and it was tough, but the church wanted to go in a way that we didn't believe to be God's way. If you decide to leave don't let the kids know why, it isn't fair to them to give them bad feelings for the church especially the teens as they will hear a lot of talk. Just tell them you love them and will always be there for them and that you will continue to pray for them (as I am sure you will). I'm sure you have already, but pray pray pray! God will show you what to do when to do it etc. Maybe it is time for a rest and for you to wait on God. We had been in ministry with the church for 9 years and God had a sit and wait on Him for 3 years now and we are just getting back into ministry again full time. It was hard to just wait those 3 years but we see now how much we needed it. We were so focused on the kids and the ministry we needed the time to refresh and get ourselves re-directed another way. God will be there for you and help you thru this and He can heal the hurts that you have. Blessings,
Melissa - NY
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Last Login: 11/26/2008 3:12:59 PM
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You do have a tough situation there!
I have been in youth ministries in various capacities for about 18 years and one church for just under 10. That church developed a somewhat similar situation with the head pastor. Scary, but yours is not a unique or isolated incident, so you are definitely not alone. Anyhow, there were a lot of sneaky and "unrighteous" things going on behind people's backs and it was getting bad.
The place I got to was this. While I knew or at least had a pretty good idea of the situation and the players in the mess, I also know that I am not perfect. None of us are. I took some focused prayer and contemplation time to make sure I understood my role (as small as it might be) in the current situation. I then did what I could to correct and reconcile my part in that. That way if the abuse and unrighteousness continued, my hands and conscience were clean. I was able to leave knowing that I had done due diligence, there was no "unfinished business," and it was my time to leave and see what the Lord had for me next.
Now please understand. I am not throwing out judgment or anything like that. I know every situation is MUCH more complicated than we could ever describe in a couple of paragraphs on a message board. It sounds like you probably are in the right/clear/whatever and the pastor is the one with the hang-ups. However, I recommend this so that down the road, you don't say to yourself, "well maybe I could have or should have..." You are doing the could haves and should have now to clear your mind. It is remarkably freeing.
The other advice is very good too. Once you have done your due diligence and decide to leave, leave well and gracefully. Kids are not dumb. They often know more of the score than you think. If you leave well and gracefully that will be a powerfully positive final lesson for them from you. I still have contact from time to time with the kids from that church and I get a love, respect, and understanding from them that I would not have gotten if I left in any sort of negative way.
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| I'll definitely be praying for you, your church, and your decision. God Bless, Josh 
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I'd say run like the wind!!!
I'm getting ready to leave this church (and professional ministry). We have a very good supportive pastor, but much of the congregation acts like your pastor does. It's making me bitter. It's making me forget what church is really about.
We will be praying for you.
Behold...Blue Steel
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| Let me start with....I will be praying for you. I want to tell you a story that happened to me a few years ago, I have been the youth leader (I don't consider myself a Pastor, even though I teach the youth) at my church for 6 years now and a few years ago some things (demons) had crept into our church that was trying to destroy everything we had. I got so discouraged and wanted so bad to just quit and leave....I began to pray and seemed to get no answer, then one day i was driving down the highway and began to pray and cry and was tellingthe Lord "i don't know what to do, I don't want to be a part of this" and suddenly the LORD spoke to me as plain as day and said "This isn't about you, it's about those kids"! I began weeping and understood at that moment that it was not time for me to go anywhere, my job, my calling was to teach those kids of Jesus and if I bailed at that time then I did not accomplish what Christ wanted me to. So my thought for you is to really pray about this before you "jump ship", make sure that you have the release from God before you leave those kids. I know that someone else could come in and take your place, but the point is that God put YOU there and HE has raised that group up into amazing young people and He di it through you.....so please pray it through before you leave because of the situation. I understand how very hard it is to work under someone who is being hateful (which by the way, I don't think we are suppose to act that way if we are Christians) but I look at it as maybe it's a trial, a test of patience, (I tell my kids....this is a test only a test lol). God will let you know when He's done with you and I'll be in much prayer for you and your Pastor.
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| Dear Ayrnne: From the replies it seems like tough departures are pretty common. It's really hard when you love the kids and are so invested in them. I finally had to leave too after my son and wife had finally had enough of the paster going theologically off the deep end. The short story is God seems to have to blast me out of where I am to get me to move to the next assignment. The kids at the next church needed me bad. It was a mess, a hard posting. But it was helpful for them for me to be there with my unique spiritual gifts to move that ministry along. They hired a full time youth guy and I was basically dismissed. That was fine. I left both places well but I still hurt from the first group. They were special to me. I cry to God. He understands and comforts me. My efforts are now in the website until he shows me what's next. I work for Him, his ways I can not fathom. I hurt for you too and will pray for you. Do your best for Him. Kevin
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| I am gonna offer a different perspective that some may agree with, others maybe not so much, although it would be interesting to see others opinions on it and i welcome them. When i was in Bible school, one of my profs said something that, at the time, i took issue with. He said "as the youth pastor, you are called to the sr. pastor". I thought, no way! I am called to kids, to the people, maybe even to the church, after all, pastors come and go! At the time i was youth pastoring a church and things were going pretty well, so i thought. the problem? The Pastor and i had VERY different visions when it came to ministering. He saw the church as a temple, i saw it as a tool. In the end, the youth group had gotten huge with the "wrong type of kids". I was asked to shut it down and build the family youth group i was hired for. i was ticked, bitter, and i blamed the pastor and the church for their lack of vision. Here is the catch that caught me later: I was in the wrong. If the church has a vision, or a direction, than it is up to the top leadership (pastor, board, etc.) to figure out what God's vision for that church is. To this day i think that church got it wrong, but it's not my call.... and did it benefit the church as a whole, or even the students who were later kicked out, that the church had two opposing visions? My advice.... talk to the pastor, see if you can be on the same page. If not, respectfully move on.... God has a thousand more places to use you. Churches where your gifts and talents will be used, and your vision shared. To stay at a church where you don't connect or agree with the head pastor, in my opinion, does no one (especially the students) any good. I will be praying for wisdom for you, please know this isn't a discouragement that i am trying to give you, but more of an encouragement that God has a better fit for you out there IF it is time to move on.
Level 5 Student Ministrywww.stcharlesassembly.org
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| Kremlon - I agree with you. No ministry in any church can grow beyond what the senior pastor wants or move outside of his vision. He is the head of that church and I don't think anyone should go against his authority (the bible says that we are to respect the authorities over us). I would also agree that if you don't feel that is the right direction or if you are not in agreement with the senior pastor then you should step out, with dignity and without causing trouble. We have had to leave a church because we just don't agree with the way it was heading, or the direction from the senior pastor. We did this without trouble we felt that was the right thing to do. Arynne - I pray that God will give you the wisdom to know what to do and when to do it! Blessings!
Melissa - NY
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