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| I have a concern that I am unsure how to handle. I have heard from several sources that one of my youth girls (she is 17) has a problem with drinking. I had heard this when we stepped into our youth positions almost a year ago and haven't heard much more about it. Recently we went to a youth conference and I just got wind that this girl may have smuggled something into her hotel room and was nipping at it. I was with the group the entire evening except for 2.5 hours (I needed some sleep!). I am completely unsure how to handle this descreetly and with class. I understand the addiction as I have recovered from it by the grace of God. However, I do not know where I should take this from here. I am contemplating speaking with the Pastor's wife in strict confidence for guidance. I want to help this girl but I don't want to create an awkward barrier either...if that makes sense?
Any help would be appreciated.
 ~Misty from Indiana
Non-conformist!! Romans 12:2  Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!
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| Misty from Indiana, First of all I am rooting for the Pistons to beat the Pacers next week. In all seriousness though, you said you have been there a year right? Have you established a relationship with this girl in that time? Is she unapproachable? The reason I ask is this: I have been facing issues in my group with pills. I don't understand it, I have never struggled with that, but I am very close to my kids. We are close enough that I handle most issues and rumors myself. My wife and I can usually deal with it and go right to the source. If I had an issue that I could not handle or did not feel comfortable with I would go right to my pastor. He is busy and trusts me to handle things without running to him but if its big, he needs to know. I am not a professional, but with my small amount of wisdom I offer my advice. I would first pray for God's guidance. Then I would go and talk with the young lady. Be kind and gentle, and ask her if you can ask her a few questions. See if there is anything to the rumor. If she is offering it to the other students in your group then you need to involve your leadership! But you might be able to do this one on one. God bless Misty. Pastor Mark
Mark Beasley
Youth Pastor
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I have students tell me something about someone else. That is a rumor. According to Matthew 18 Jesus outlines how to deal with situations. Fact of the matter is the person who witnessed this drinking episode needs to be the one who confronts. Then if the girl doesn't repent that person is to come with a witness or two.
Since this happened on a youth trip and you are responsible I would say approach the girl and say, "word has got to me that you were drinking alcohol on the trip. I just need to confirm with you whether or not this happened. If it did we need to get you some help. I wanted to talk with you and let you know that I'm willing to help you and also I'm willing to squelch the rumor." If she admits it's true then it is time to get her and her parents together with you and get her some professional help.
The other question I have is how many students told you this and how many actually saw and know that she was drinking alcohol? Teens can be mean and also they don't let go of past mistakes. May be some excellent teaching opportunities on what to do when your brother or sister in the Lord messes up.
I recently had a former student who is rooming with another guy from our church call me long distance about a situation there in their apartment. I stopped him from telling me the story and told him he was there and he needs to deal with it. To talk to me is gossip.
just a few of my thoughts
Andy
Reaching Students to Discover Life in Christ
www.theaddyouthpastor.com
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| I'll be praying for you and this girl. I hope everything turns out okay. God Bless, Josh 
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| Thanks for all the great advice! She actually came to me last Sunday and we discussed the issue and worked it out. My other concern now--a different problem altogether--is drama and slander! I tell my kids that youth group is no the place for that. Well another student came to me about how another youth was talking poorly about her and several ppl have come up to her asking about the slanderous comments. She, the student, is getting fed up with the other and wants me to talk to her. I told her I would and asked her if she wanted to be there when I did so there is no he said, she said and we can get this thing nipped in the bud, so to speak. She agreed and said she would. Now, I am running over what to say in my head. I am hoping I can be sincere yet firm on how I do not want this happening any longer bc we are suppose to build each other up, not beat each other down. Yes, I have been here a year and have a great relationship with every kid (about 13 of them) and have been blessed that it has been pretty smooth sailing. I am just afraid that I will offer wrong advice or make things worse.
~Misty from Indiana Non-conformist!! Romans 12:2 Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!
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Misty,
Sounds like you will be acting more like a "referee" or mediator. I would say let the girl who has had the slanderous stuff said about her tell the other girl what she has heard, then give the other girl an opportunity to respond. Help them reconcile and then have them pray for each other.
That's just my opinion. I'm glad she is willing to go with you to talk to the other girl.
Andy
Reaching Students to Discover Life in Christ
www.theaddyouthpastor.com
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| That is what the other girl did before coming to me. I am just going to sit them down and say that I am unsure what is true and probably will never know but it stops here. Youth group is not the place for such actions. We get enough of it outside those walls, ya know? I talk to her Sunday so I hope that God gives me the correct words to use. I have been blessed with having no real issues that I needed to sit a student down with. I guess my time has come...lol. Thanks for the great advice.
~Misty from Indiana Non-conformist!! Romans 12:2 Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!
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while i agree with much of the concern about gossip, I think that we must remember that sometimes we need to take a counselor's approach (I'm talking about theaddyouthpastor's comments about the telephone call). In psychology and counseling realms they talk about the priniciple of catharsis. Catharsis is that feeling of release and clarity you get when you talk through your problems; sometimes giving an attentive ear to a person struggling with an issue gives them the insight that they need to take on their problem (or they need your advice or want confirmation that they are taking hte right course of action in dealing with the situation. Usually they already know what they need to do based scripture and talking it through convinces them of their needed course of action.) Of course, this can be abused by a true "gossiper," and so we need to be truly discerning in who we lend an ear to. I'm just saying not to throw the baby out with the bathwater and stop everybody from venting their concerns/frustrations even if they are founded on shaky footings; even if a rumor is false, a [truly] concerned individual may come to a well-thought out conclusion or course of action regarding a situation that they may need to deal with in the future.
http://christopherschmitz.blogspot.com
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| Thanks for all the great advice. I just made an announcement to the entire group on how we get enough of that outside the church walls that each student should feel safe to come to church and not have to worry about gossip and he said, she said. I did it anonymously (meaning not mentioning any names or incidents) and it went over really well. They all seemed to receive what I was saying well.
~Misty from Indiana Non-conformist!! Romans 12:2 Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!
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| This is such a difficult thing to deal with. Critical to deal with it, though. We recently had a huge drama-rama within our core group of girls. Our youth leaders, wonderful as they are, were ill-equipped to deal with it. The mothers got together and decided to sit the girls down and teach them the biblical principals taught in Matthew, about what to do when someone offends you. We walked the girls through the process and helped them learn some new problem-solving skills... then, once the drama was over and they were gal-pals again, we continued the conversation, talking about how harmful gossip is, and how, as leaders of the students, they need to set the example... even gave them some role-modeling opportunities. The thing is, how many adults to you personally know who don't have the skills to address this type of situation? I know LOTS of them! How much more ill-equipped our students are to deal with it. They are surrounded by it daily at school, and simply don't know, at age 14, 15, 16... how to not react dramatically (hormonally!) As leaders its up to us to a) not get involved in the gossip.. and not allow the specifics to be repeated in our presence... and b) teach our students how to biblically deal with it and prevent it from happening again. Just my two cents' worth...
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