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Forum Newbie
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 1/10/2009 10:52:06 PM
Posts: 1,
Visits: 2
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Hi gang,
I've lurked for a long time but never posted or joined before. I've also searched for this topic before posting, but didn't see any results to similar cirtances.
The jist of it is this: I'm the full time youth and music pastor at a church in a small town. I'm a bachelor but have been dating a girl for the past 6 or so months. She had just moved to the community before we met and she began attending the church I work at shortly after we started dating. She has been eager to get involved in the different areas of the life of the church. She's been involved with a little bit of music, she helps out with leading our youth group, and she attends a Bible study at the church. I have always been a little hesitant with her jumping in with both feet with stuff with the church in case things with us went sour.
For me, I have had the desire over the last little while for us to break up. Without going into details, there are ideals that we're a little different on and I am just not satisfied with the relationship. As well, I have no passion to be in it or a desire to take it further.
For my own sanity, I need to break free from this relationship. While it's better that things are ended now rather than a few years from now and we're married and then get a divorce, this will still be messy.
As you all know, our lives as youth pastors are very public. If I worked at Starbucks or the grocery store, this would be a lot easier to do. But because I work in a church and she also attends the church, how can I do this without ruining my reputation within the church and tarnishing the integrity that I've had there up until now. How can I do this as gracefully as possible and what does that look like?
I think that all of this will be a surprise to her but it's something that I simply need to break free from for the sake of my personal life, but I also don't want to put my professional reputation on the line as well.
Thanks for your support.
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Forum Guru
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 2 days ago @ 8:57:42 PM
Posts: 59,
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The best bet is to 1) pray about it, and 2) talk to your senior pastor. The consequences of the decision can affect the church over all. Chances are your senior pastor is going to be able to give you the best advice.
Masterpiece in Progress - Building masterpieces one person at a time.
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Forum Newbie
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 2/9/2009 9:40:14 AM
Posts: 5,
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| All I can say is, proceed with caution. A year or two ago, our youth intern was dating another young adult leader in our youth program. One week, they exchanged "I love you's," the next, he broke up with her. He had many valid reasons for doing so. However, he had never dated a girl, and so he didn't know how to break up with compassion. She then was so hurt that she "vented" to everyone who would listen, including the kids, the pastor, and myself. Her and her best friend, another leader in our program, refused to speak to him, and left the room when he was giving a lesson or sermon. Poor guy left our church as "the guy who hurt J____." All of the adults lost credibility with our kids, because they saw in us the same high school drama they instigate. Make sure you break up with her and leave it as friendly as possible. Don't give her hope that it will happen again, and don't make her think she's done something to make you reject her. And bring her with you to the senior pastor afterwards and agree to not let your personal business get anywhere near your ministry.
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Forum Expert
Group: Moderators
Last Login: 2 days ago @ 8:18:26 PM
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Johnny,
Our hearts go out to you and I think it's safe to say you have everyone's prayers. This is a difficult situation but one that can be navigated safely and successfully.
I loved the idea of not only pray first, but talk to the pastor before hand secondly. You will need his full support regardless of the outcome. No matter what, handle it with grace. I don't think you have to worry about credibility with the kids unless there is sex involved. Everyone understands the fact not all relationships work out and there is a time for them to end. After all, just point to Ecclesiastes!!!
Let us know the outcome and we will all be praying!
Matt
Forum Moderator
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