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Forum Newbie
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This is my first time posting and boy do I need a place to sound off. Two months ago we agreed to become the youth pastors at our church. We live in a very small town and although there are a lot of churches, there are only two with significant youth groups, ours being one of them. The old youth pastor is an amazing lady and has two teens herself. She needed to step down due to health problems and was running both the youth and children's ministry at our church. She needed to decide between the two, and ended up deciding to step down from the youth after some pressure from the pastor. Before her the pastor's wife was the youth pastor. Since we have taken over several different problems have been developing and become almost hurricane levels in our lives. The first one is for over two months now, the BOD has not been able to decide whether or not we were "hired" or even if we are going to get paid. When we have asked about it we have been accused of not being patient. This has been a source of great frustration. They also keep adding things that we have to do to become hired all while we are shouldering the responsibilities of being youth pastors. The BOD points their finger at the pastor and the pastor points his finger right back as to who is causing the problems. This is about a LOT of different issues, not just us. The next problem is our daughters (ages 16 and 13). The old youth pastors daughter has taken a great dislike to our girls and is causing lots of problems with them, spreading rumors, etc. The pastors wife has also taken a dislike to them, she has her pets and our girls are not a part of that group. She actually stood in the youth room and yelled at my oldest daughter for what WE had chosen as the worship music that night. She then lied and said that my daughter had yelled at her. I know my daughters weak points, that is not one of them. I also asked a lot of the teens that were sitting around as to what happened and they all said the same thing, the pastors wife was the one doing the yelling and my daughter just got quieter and quieter. Since that is her personality I believe it. We have also had a problem with everyone complaining to me (the wife) about things we are doing wrong and my hubby gets all of the praise. We had a meeting with our volunteers yesterday and we told them we just needed to connect with them. We said we had enough criticism and we wanted to look forward to some goals that we had set. My husband also mentioned the strange phenomenon that has been happening with me getting all of the problems and him getting all of the praise. The pastor and his wife were there and she started in on me, yelling and saying how I needed to grow thicker skin and how she used to do the youth group and what a lousy job we were doing and how much the kids hate it, etc. Now I need to add at this point that the group is growing by about 5 kids a week and for a town of 3,000 that isn't bad in my book. Also, we are seeing some spiritual growth that hasn't been there. This harangue lasted for over an hour. This is in front of the volunteers and some of the youth. It was so bad that one of the volunteers called us and apologized for her. This has been two months of daily hurts and frustrations. Every day it is something else that we are being told we are doing wrong or that isn't how we used to do it, etc. We have nobody in the church to turn to because we can't trust anyone. Before we took the job there were some things about the church that concerned us and we were actually thinking about leaving. I am worried that our pride made us stay. We are having some serious checks as to whether we want to continue. We are considering quitting before the kids will get hurt more than they already might be. Has anybody else dealt with these problems? Or maybe you might have some great advice. I have been in a lot of churches in my life (we have moved a lot) and have never seen one as dysfunctional as this one. It also isn't that I haven't been in ministry before because both my hubby and I have been in some form of ministry almost since we got married - never youth, but just about everything else.
Thanks for listening and any and all advice is greatly appreciated!
Katydid
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Junior Member
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Last Login: 11/17/2009 12:20:03 PM
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| WOW !!! I am assuming the Pastor is ok with you being the youth leaders? and if so why is he not stopping his wife from yelling and causing such a ruckas. Especially in front of the youth ! We to, have had problems over areas of our church, I would assume every church goes through things at some point. My only advice would be to really pray about it and if you feel God has put you there to lead these kids then do what He's called you to, but if you don't feel that then maybe He has other plans for you. I do believe that if the Pastor put you in this position then He should back you in your descisions as to how you and your husband will run the youth ministry (of course as long as it adheres to the word of God, your churches policies and by-laws, etc.). These young people should not have to suffer and see adults re-act in a bad way over "them" per say. This will leave an awful lot of bad feelings in the children's hearts toward the church. We should use wisdom in how we handle these sort of situations especially when it happens in front of the kids. My best advice I guess would be to just pray and see what the Lord wants you to do.
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Forum Guru
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| First let me say how sorry I am that you and your family are going thru this, it is an awful place to be in and it hurts a lot. We faced something similar (not youth but childrens ministry) and I would echo the advice of the previous poster about praying. If you have lost the backing of the pastor or the board (or maybe never had it) then it may be time to move on. If your kids are being treated so poorly then you have to consider what this will do to them. There is a time to stay and a time to step away. With your husband I would go to your pastor and board (together if possible) and just try to get direction from them, you can usually tell from how they say things as well as what they say if you are meant to be there or not. When we made the difficult decision to step down it was very hard, but we now see it was the best thing for us and it brought out a lot of the problems we were seeing to the elders of our church. We left the church after 2 years of being out of ministry and our family has grown spiritually since. God has a plan just seek Him to find the right way for you and your family!!! Praying all goes well for you all!! Melissa - NY
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Forum Guru
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Last Login: 1/6/2010 2:51:30 PM
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Wow, it sounds like there is quite a bit of issues going on there.
First off, i wanted to comfort you by letting you know that your problems (variations of them) are not unique at all. A friend of ours worked in a church in which the senior pastor stated "We know that there is a big pile of crap in the middle of the church. As long as we don't disturb it, it won't stink." Unfortunately, that pile of crap made his job so much harder than it should have been. There were people in the church that were doing everything they could to get the youth pastor ousted (including people on the board) in spite of the fact that the youth group was continuing to grow spiritually and in numbers. It seemed like no matter what they did or tried to do, it was wrong. Needless to say, our friends couldn't handle being there and ended up leaving after 2 years.
The previous youth pastor at that same church had been removed due to "moral failures" related to being married and a member of the church "found" his "profile" on a dating website. That youth pastor claimed that he never set up any profile on any dating website. He was removed from that church but after about a month of investigation into the incident the district placed him in position as youth pastor in a larger church in a neighboring town. So, don't get discouraged in thinking that you are alone in what you're dealing with.
Second, what's happening to you is very difficult to deal with. The road may get harder before it gets easier. It feels like there is an unwarrented personal attack. However, how you respond to it is going to say volumes about who you are, and how you live. Your children and your youth can see what is going on, and they are realizing that the church CAN be a very ugly place. Something like this and how you respond to it can be a defining factor in their lives and how they relate to the church in the future. If you are willing to live Matthew 5:39-48 and instead of attacking back, truly loving those who attack you, earnestly praying for them (not in self-righteousness as a way of attacking them back and "proving" YOUR innocence), and seeking for God to show you where the nugget of truth is in what feels like unjust criticism situation and asking what He is wanting you to learn from this, then you will grow, and chances are your children and students will develop a much stronger relationship with Christ. Meanwhile the church leaders are likely to see this and even your critics will be silenced.
However, if you take the attack on personally and attack back (whether directly or indirectly) it is likely to create even more problems. Your attackers will feel justified, and may even be justified. It has the potential for driving a wedge between yourself and the youth / leadership / church / your family, and between the youth and God / the church / the leadership. It's a tough situation but one with hope.
Masterpiece in Progress - Building masterpieces one person at a time.
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Forum Newbie
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Last Login: 2/22/2010 1:55:34 PM
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Thanks everyone for your responses. My hubby and I spent a couple of days in prayer and we talked to quite a few of our friends (that aren't a part of the Church) and came to a decision. Each of our friends came back with it is a spiritual battle, not human. We decided to step down from the position since we saw that there wasn't any way for the issues to be resolved. In the long run, the kids were going to get hurt and we chose the way that they would get hurt the most. The pastor's wife has some serious problems and one of the main problems is she is very resentful of someone taking the youth ministry and succeeding. She had pushed the old youth pastor out and was starting in on us. We didn't want to stay and have the kids get even more attached to us than they already were. We love all of them dearly. We did not go to Church this Sunday (went camping, yeah!) and we heard through the grapevine that they announced we had quit because we felt we had taken on more than we could handle. What is done is done. All we can do is pray for everyone involved. We do know that we followed what God told us to do. It feels like a haze has lifted off of our lives and we can see clearly for the first time in 3 months.
Thanks for all of your advice!
Katydid
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WOW! You were in a difficult position. It sounds like you made the right decission. I was in a position in a similar church (so it sounds) a few years back. The Senior Pastors wife had been running the youth program for 10 years. They had never had a youth pastor at this church and I was the first in it's 150 year history. She resented almost every decission I made and questiond me infront of the teens and parents at every opportunity. Her husband (the senior pastor) was of no help and in fact just suggested that I take her "Veteran" advice on things. I also eventually stepped down as there was much more going on under the surface that was from years of buildup well before we ever got there. As you determined in your situation, it was a spiritual one and one that we could not correct as long as it centered around the senior pastor and his wife. Be encouraged that when these things happen and you find yourself in the middle of a storm you never saw coming, God is faithful and just. He will direct you to a place that you can serve, and in the way that you believe you should, not in someone elses. Look for a church and a Pastoral team the recognizes your gifting and allowes you to work in such a way that those gifts make the biggest impact for the Kingdom.
With Both Eyes on Jesuswww.cbcministry.org
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Last Login: 2/26/2010 5:46:31 AM
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Sorry you have to deal with this mess.
My thoughts are:
If the BOD doesn't know what they are doing is that who you really want to work for?
Does the pastor answer to the BOD? That may be an issue as well.
If the pastor's wife is that spiritually immature how are you going to deal with that especially since she is the wife of your "boss"?
Are you certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is where God wants you to serve? If not then you should leave. I hear too many horror stories from people doing ministry in unhealthy church situations.
To be in an unhealthy church that is truly wanting to change and move forward is one thing. To be in an unhealthy church that has no desire to change is a recipe for 18 months of misery before quitting and moving on.
If I had to go and look for a new ministry position in a church I would only look for a church with vision and led by godly men who are led by the Spirit.
Andy
Reaching Students to Discover Life in Christ
www.theaddyouthpastor.com
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